Suicide is not the last resort

I don’t remember her name. She was only 16 years when she jumped off a building from its 7th floor, early one morning. Nobody knew she was gone. Not even her dearest friend, until her body was found lying on the ground. This was 10 years ago. There were many stories about her.  She was always neglected by her parents. Often her older sister was praised for academics. She has failed in math, and has been afraid how mad and disappointed her mom would be. She didn’t want to hear her mom’s growls. She didn’t want to get beaten. Things had been tough with her mom. She has felt it’s pointless going on with life.

I was only 12 when I heard this story. It trembled me. She is not the first one to kill her self, neither the last to lose her self. Another comes to my mind. Aththamma fondly remembers one of his sons who faced him self to a train while in Kandy. He was one of my mom’s two brothers, who always wanted to become a monk which their father strictly denied. He was too small. Perhaps their father didn’t want to lose him in the family.  Followed by terrible fights,  lost hopes of becoming a monk stopped his life.

“Back then he acted to plead for a yellow robe from podi hamuduruwo in the village temple and act how it would be when he becomes one “Aththamma said. This is his story.

Life is too surprising to hear these. Some people aren’t blessed to live long. They aren’t strong enough to face the onions and rotten bread that is thrown at life. I think, it is Karma. To kill one self is the worst Karma. They’ll cycle in life getting killed themselves in every birth.

Suicide remains as one of the main causes for death in our country. Especially of those who are aged between 15 to 35. So far, SriLanka has attempted a lot to provide mental care, more still needs to be done, not least in social and cultural level but something beyond that. Before the tsunami, most mental health care was carried out in tertiary level hospitals, and mostly near Colombo.  Trained mental health workers were rare in other parts of the island, but the national and international response to that disaster has changed things drastically. In 2011, mental health clinics were established in many divisions across the country.

Treating mental health is a challenge in this country. Some deny medication, some are ashamed of visiting mental care professionals. They think everybody who is mentally sickened are fools or lunatics. There is reason even behind lunatics. They just don’t happen, they just don’t become such!

Suicides are not an issue only for us. It’s global. Global data shows that for the last 40 years suicide has increased worldwide, with one person killing himself in every 40 seconds and 1 million people dying by their own hand each year. This is why it is important for us to think of mental health care. Are we going to lose gifted lives?

Mentally disordered are stigmatized around the world. People just don’t bother to listen to them. But what matters is hearing them, understanding them, and encouraging them to live instead of letting them to put a halt to their lives. We cry when they are gone. Too late for us to think what we could have done, when they were alive! This is why they say: prevention is better than cure.

One should find it easier to say “I’m suffering from depression”. But we are not ready to hear this. Remember , one who thinks to suicide or attempts suicide will always give us a clue , in least they will hint us verbally that they don’t want to live anymore. Surprisingly we take it as a joke. People think that those who talk about suicide won’t really do it. That’s wrong. That’s a signal of suicide. We got to identify it. It is not because they are crazy that they would think of dying. Suicide is a matter of escaping things in life. It’s a result of being grief –stricken, depressed or being emotionally broken down. It’s a state where one cannot bear the pressure any longer. A long term thing.

Most people who think of dying do not want to die. They always weaver around, whether to die or not. What they want is to stop the pain, not death. So there is enough and more ways to stop them. We commonly believe that those who suicide cannot be stopped from doing it. It’s a false fact. Physiologists have proven another thing. Those who write and talk a lot about death, or those who recklessly take drugs and alcohol just because they can’t even take a little thing easy, are prone to suicide.

The most striking feature of suicidal behavior is sudden happiness. If one seems to be calm and happy after a long term of unhappiness, it means the person has decided to end life.

These are a few things I remember reading from a book. They might help us avoid suicide.

1. Be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
2. Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.
3. Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your friend or family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.
4. Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
5. If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head; you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.
6.  Do not argue with the suicidal person. Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," or “Look on the bright side.”
7. Lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.
8. Do not promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional in order to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.
9. Do not offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.
10. Do not blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness or lack thereof, is not your responsibility.

White Wreath Day is coming up. It is time for us to take things into head seriously.

( Published in "The Nation"  newspaper  on the 1st June 2014)